


i'm broken and only you can fix me

by Startingsanvers



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Death, Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Multi, Parent Alex Danvers, Trauma, sanvers fix it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27718415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Startingsanvers/pseuds/Startingsanvers
Summary: Five years after Alex and Maggie split Alex has built herself a new life. She has a beautiful new girlfriend and a  four year old son. An accident during a mission against Cadmus shakes up her new life and sends her away from National city. Maggie Sawyer now lives in Gotham and is working as head of the Gotham PD science division. She meets a young boy while delivering a prisoner to the hospital. The young boy leads her back to love lost long ago.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, Alex Danvers/Original Female Character(s), Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 25
Kudos: 92





	1. fallout

**Author's Note:**

> I just started this story and I wanted to post the first chapter to see how people react to this fic. the story starts in the past for the first few chapters and then will jump to present day. this fic also contains to original characters who are dear to my heart. Also in this fic Alex has a new love interest, but this will be a primarily Alex/Maggie fic you just have to hold on for a bit. I am also pretty new to writing so I ask that you bear with me. it will get better. I also ask that you be patient as I only have one and a half chapters written so far as I am still planning where I want the story to go. I would love to hear your feed back and any suggestions you may have. 
> 
> please enjoy

1 year ago 

Alex quietly crept down the hallway of her two bedroom apartment. She tried to stay as quiet as possible to ensure she didn’t wake her sleeping household members. It was early. Too early, but Alex had been anticipating this day for years. She breathed a sigh of relief when she reached the kitchen, everyone was still asleep. She had made coffee and started on blueberry pancakes when she heard the familiar patter of footsteps in the hallway. She sighed as she turned around and was faced with a small auburn haired boy wearing Star Wars pyjamas. The boy stared at her with warm hazel eyes and flashed her a toothy smile. 

“Jessie,” Alex whispered, “you are supposed to be asleep”.  
“I’m sorry Mama, but the sun is awake so i’m awake,” the boy replied softly.  
“Alright then,” Alex said letting go of all her thoughts of having a quiet cup of coffee. “Let's get you breakfast”.

Alex led the four year old to the table before serving him a plate of famous Danvers pancakes. Alex watched Jessie practically inhale the pancakes as she made her own. Alex sat down next to her son and pulled out her phone. It was six am. Alex had hoped that the young boy would sleep for another hour, but you can’t argue with the sun. Also, Jessie was Alex’s everything and saying no to him was almost impossible. Alex had given up her first love for the prospect of having mornings like this, and though she had once loved Maggie more than anything Jessie was worth it. Maggie left national city not long after she and Alex had parted ways and Alex hadn't spoken to her since. That was five years ago. Alex had moved on with her life, but there was still a part of her that would always be in love with detective dimples. After losing Maggie Alex found herself lost. She worked crazy hours and drowned her pain in scotch and faceless women, but then one day something clicked. Alex knew she couldn’t live like that and she knew she wanted more. So, she went to a clinic and nine long months later Jessie Jeremiah Danvers was born.

“Mama?” Jessie asked  
“Yes bean,” Alex replied.  
“Where’s Kate?” Jessie asked referring to Alex’s girlfriend  
“She got called into the DEO last night. She should be back soon”.  
“OK mama,” Jessie said, turning back to his pancakes.

Alex had dated a bit in the aftermath of Maggie, but she never really clicked with anyone. Her longest relationship lasted about six months, before she met Kate. Alex met Kate Bailey at the DEO. Kate was an FBI agent who was being transferred into the DEO training program. She was sorted under Alex’s command and over time Alex found herself willing to love again.  
Kate was the perfect match for Alex. She was stubborn enough to combat Alex's stubbornness, she was tough and bad-ass and brave and most of all she loved Jessie. Kate was a few years younger than Alex and she was honestly just a big kid. She loved to play Jessie and goof around with Kara . They had a different love than Alex had with Maggie but their love was perfect. 

Alex was in the middle of wiping syrup off of Jessie's chair when the door opened and Kara and Kate entered the apartment. Kara immediately ran over to the fresh stack of pancakes waiting on the counter. 

“A greeting would be nice,” Alex grumbled.  
“I’m sorry, but I’m starving,” Kara replied, her mouth full of pancakes.

Alex rolled her eyes at her sister’s mess before making her way over to Kate. Kate smiled softly at Alex, her blue eyes filled with love. Alex wrapped her arms around Kate's neck and kissed her softly. 

“Morning beautiful,” Kate whispered leaning into the kiss.  
“You left me last night,” Alex whined  
“I’m sorry Ally, but when an alien disaster calls I must answer. Seeing as my girlfriend who is also my boss has me working insane hours,” Kate said laughing slightly.  
“I’m sorry Kate, but I have to ensure my agents are the best. Oh and I promise I will make it up to you tonight,” Alex whispered into Kate's ear before kissing her once more.

“Ehm,” Kara said, clearing her throat.  
“Sorry,” both Alex and Kate muttered.

After the kitchen was cleaned up Alex dressed Jessie for pre school. Jessie spun in the mirror, admiring his mothers outfit choice before running into the living room to play with his toys. Alex had a big day ahead. She was doing her final training to become active DEO director. All of the training was simply procedural. Alex had been training for this moment since she stepped foot in the DEO. She showered and slipped into her standard issue uniform for what would hopefully be the last time. She took a deep breath before emerging into the living room where her son, her sister and her girlfriend were all playing with dinosaurs. Alex smiled at the domestic scene in front of her. 

“Are you ready for the big day?” Kara asked when her older sister entered the room.  
“Hell yeah,” Alex replied, “now Jessie put your toys away or we're gonna be late. Kate is gonna drop you off”.  
“OK mama,” Jessie said, putting his dinosaurs away and grabbing his superman backpack before running to hug his mom.  
“I love you mama,” Jessie said wrapping his tiny arms around and hugging her tightly.  
“I love you too, bean. I will see you after school,” Alex replied hugging him back and planting a kiss on the top of his head.  
“Be careful mama,” Jessie said on his way out the door.  
“I always am bean. I always am,” Alex replied, blowing him a kiss.

Alex flew through the busy city streets on her Ducati. She then pulled into the secret DEO parking garage, flashing her badge at the gate for entry. A few minutes later Alex stood confidently at the head of the large conference table. Her last task was to run an alien retrieval mission, which she had done a multitude of times. However this operation was personal. The DEO had gotten word of a Cadmus facility holding aliens for experimentation. The facility was an abandoned shipping warehouse on the outskirts of the city. The mission was simply get in, extract the aliens and get out without being detected. Lena Luthor agreed to be their eyes on the inside and had arranged a meeting with her mother for the time of the sting. 

OK this mission is all about secrecy. We don’t want anyone to know we’re there. Acquire your targets and get out as fast as possible,” Alex said to the table of eager agents.  
“I will be on standby to assist and pull Lena out if needed,” Kara chimed in.  
“The warehouse has four levels, so we will go in with four teams. J’onn will lead a team to sweep the upper level. Davies and Vasquez will lead teams through floors two and three and I will lead a team through the basement. Any questions?” Alex asked.

Agents hands shot up. 

“Bailey,” Alex said nodding to her small blonde haired girlfriend who had just snuck in through the back.  
“How long do we have to evacuate the prisoners?” Kate asked.  
“Winn predicted he can keep security systems down for about 15 minutes,” Alex answered.  
“Holiday,” Alex said, gesturing to another hand in the air.  
“Do we know the state of the prisoners?” he asked  
“No, we haven’t been able to get eyes in the facility. Though we can assume they will be frightened, apprehensive and potentially Cadmus enhanced. We must proceed with extreme caution,” Alex replied.

She swiftly answered the rest of the questions before sending everyone away.

“Dismissed. Gear up we ship out in 10,” she said as agents scrambled away.

“Excellent work Agent Danvers,” J’onn said, his eyes gleaming with pride.  
“Thanks J’onn, but let's save the congratulations for after we have successfully completed this mission,”Alex replied  
“Hey,” J’onn said. “I have full faith in your abilities Alex. You are the only person I would ever think of as worthy to replace me. This is what we have been working for since you were first recruited. You got this Alex I believe in you”.  
“Thank you J’onn,” Alex said smiling shyly at her space dad.  
“Anytime director,” He replied with a wink before disappearing down a corridor.

Alex slipped into the locker room and moved towards her bag. She slid into her lightweight speciality Kevlar vest. She then changed into her combat suit and laced up her black combat boots. She took a deep breath thinking back to what J’onn said. She had been preparing for this since she entered into the DEO. She had more experience than any other agent. She was top of her training class and had been leading her own team for years now. She was as prepared as a person could be, yet something felt wrong. It all seemed too easy, but she shoved the thoughts aside as she holstered her gun. 

Before she knew it she was crammed into a transport van with 11 other agents. She surveyed the faces of all the agents in the van. They were her team and she was responsible for their safety. Alex then looked to Kate. she was dressed in full tactical gear with her long blonde hair tucked under her helmet and a gun splayed across her lap. 

“You don't have to be here, you know. You worked all night I thought you would take the day off,” Alex said looking at Kate.  
“Are you kidding I wouldn't miss this for the world Alex," Kate replied.

Alex rolled her eyes and smiled brightly, reaching across the van to grab Kate's hand. They parked 3 blocks away and waited for Lena and Kara to give them the go ahead to breach on foot . As soon as the signal was given the team was moving. Alex took front position and Kate took up the rear. 

They approached the large industrial building and took position at their breech point. Alex waited for Kara’s all clear before ordering all four strike teams into the building. They entered the building, splitting off into two groups and beginning to sweep the floor. From the minute Alex stepped foot in the warehouse she knew something was wrong. There were no guards posted at entrances and exits. She also noticed that there was a massive lack of security cameras. She listened to the comms as her team swept through the rooms on the east side of the basement. So far her team had uncovered nothing but abandoned exam rooms littered with various medical items. Then Alex heard a voice on comms.

“We found them. South corridor,” agent Puckerman barked into the comms.

Alex picked up her pace and ordered her team in the direction of the south corridor.  
The sight they arrived to was truly horrific. Alex had seen her fair share of brutal scenes, but this one had her swallowing back bile. Aliens of all species were huddled in cages like animals. Others were hung from the ceiling by ropes and chains. The room was dead silent and smelled of blood. The aliens flinched at the presence of the agents. Alex checked her watch. They were running out of time. The agents were ordered to unlock the cages and lead the aliens to the back exit and down the block to the transport vehicles, but it was no easy task. The Aliens were battered, beaten and terrified, many didn't want to leave. 

Alex cut the lock of a cage containing a small alien child. The child could pass as human if not for her fiery red hair and glowing orange eyes. Alex crawled in next to the girl and softly spoke.

“Hi I'm Alex and I need you to trust me OK. I’m here to get you out and take you home to your family. Can you come out? Will you do that for me?” Alex asked kindly

The little girl simply nodded. Alex offered her hand and the girl took it as they crawled out of the cage. Alex grasped the child's hand and smiled softly in reassurance. The next minute all hell broke loose. The lights flickered and then switched off, leaving the team in total blackness. Alex heard the familiar sound of gas canisters hitting concrete. Hot thick gas filled the room obscuring vision even further.

“What the hell is going on,” Johnson yelled.  
“I can’t see,” Shouted another agent.  
“Alex we’re flying blind. What do we do Danvers?" Kate asked, trying to mask the panic in her voice.  
“Everyone stay calm,” Alex said, listening to the shouts of panic and disappear that filled the room. She raked her brain trying to remember the layout of the room.  
“Umm,” Alex muttered, her brain hurting. “South wall there is an exit there. Move who you can and head in that direction”.

“J’onn are you there,” Alex called into the comms “we need help down here,”

Alex was met with only static. The combs were down meaning they were on their own. Alex began to move towards the south wall, holding tightly to the little girl. The gas filled her lungs, causing her chest to feel heavy. Her eyes were also burning. For a moment the room was eerily silent until the popping sound of bullets rang throughout the space. The room was still dark and filled with haze. Alex waited for the flash of the emergency light in hopes of identifying the shooters. Agents fired blindly into the abyss and bodies clambered to the concrete. 

“Agent down,” Kate called out.

Alex pulled the small alien child into her chest and fired in the direction of the shots. The fog had begun to clear and Alex could make out the figures of the gunmen in the flashing light. Alex took aim and fired two shots, taking down two of the shooters. Bodies continued to fall and Alex screamed when a bullet tore through the soft flesh of her shoulder. Hot pain radiated in the area of the wound and she could feel blood dripping down her shoulder. Gun shots rained down upon the room. Finally one of the agents took out the other shooters and the room fell silent.

Alex turned on her flash light and was faced with a blood bath. Alex ignored the searing pain in her shoulder and began to assess the situation. Five of Alex’s agents had sustained gunshot wounds. Two of them were dead on impact. Most of the aliens that had not been evacuated before the power outage were also wounded or dead. She ordered Puckerman to get help as she and the other agents tended to wounds. McCullough had a minor gunshot wound to the leg. Jaxson had been hit in the lower abdomen, but was still conscious and talking. A few other agents sustained minor graze wounds. Then Alex’s eyes drifted over to Kate who was lying pale and bleeding on the concrete. Alex sprinted over to Kate, ripping her sleeve and pressing it on the wound. 

“Alex,” Kate said breathlessly.  
“Kate, what happened?” Alex asked  
“I-I pushed Pukerman out of the way,” Kate replied, shaking, her eyes glistening with tears.  
“Of course you did,” Alex said smiling. “You’ve been braver than all the boys since day one”.

Kate was one of the toughest and braved trainees Alex had ever worked with. Despite her small stature Kate could take down all the boys in the class from day one. She was small but mighty. It was one of the reasons Alex had fallen for her. Kate was Alex’s breath of fresh air. She walked into the training room on the first day with the confidence of a fully trained agent. They became friends and then over time they became more.

“Alex I’m dying right?” Kate asked, her lip quivering.  
“No, what are you talking about? You’re gonna be fine,” Alex lied unconvincingly.  
“Don’t lie to me Alex. Do you remember what you told us our first day?” Kate asked  
Alex nodded  
“You told us that you would never lie because you hate liars. You also said that this program could get us killed and that we signed up for it. If you aren’t ready, leave and I stayed,” Kate stated, choking on her own blood.  
“You stayed and you became the best agent I've ever trained and you also fixed a whole in my heart,” Alex said smiling at Kate.  
“Thank you Alex, I love you,” Kate said, as her eyelids drooped and a tear slipped down her face.  
“I love you Katie ,” Alex whispered, kissing Kate softly. And just like that Kate's eyes fluttered closed and she was gone.  
“Damn it Kate,” Alex muttered, hitting the floor and sobbing. “Damn it!” 

Alex leaned her head on Kate's chest and listened for the familiar beat of her heart, but it was gone. She took a breath and attempted to recover. She wiped her tears and slowly dragged herself up off the ground. She had completely forgotten about her own injury which was now hurting like a bitch. Alex knew how to take a gunshot. After being shot seven times over the course of her career. Puckerman returned with J'onn's team and they began to evacuate survivors. Then Alex heard a voice on her comms. 

“Anyone there?” a voice asked. It was Lena.  
“I’m here,” Alex stated.  
“Alex my mother knows you're here and I'm working with you. Kara is dealing with Henshaw and she can’t get me out,” Lena said slightly frantic.  
“Stay put, I'm on my way,” Alex said, picking up her gun and running off down a corridor.

Lena was set to meet her mother on the first floor, so Alex assumed that was where they would be. Her assumptions were right. Alex crept up the stairs taking out guards as she went. Kara was engaged in combat with Hank Henshaw. Alex panned her head to the right and caught sight of Lena standing parallel to her mother who was holding a gun. 

“My daughter, a traitor,” Lilian sneered.  
“I’m not afraid of you, mother,” Lena growled.  
“Oh but I think you are. That's why you called for Agent Danvers to come rescue you,” Lilian said, turning to face Alex in the shadows. “So nice of you to join us Agent Danvers."  
“What kind of parent would threaten their child? Alex asked, continuing to creep up the stairs.  
“Oh don’t kid yourself Alex. You are just as bad as me,” Lilian said condescendingly.  
“What are you talking about?” Alex asked with pure hatred in her voice.  
“Well Alex, you killed your father,” Lilian replied with a smirk on her face.  
“No I didn’t,” Alex said firmly.  
“Oh but you did. You didn’t think I would send just anyone to stop your little alien liberation charade. You killed daddy dearest in order to protect alien scum. You also turned my daughter into an alien loving freak and I can’t have a traitor in the family,” Lilian said, turning back to Lena and raising the gun.

Lena flinched at the sight of the barrel. Alex reacted instinctively and before she knew it her feet were off the ground and she was hurtling towards Lena.

“Run,” she shouted, pushing Lena out of the way.

Two shots fired striking Alex in the back where her Kevlar vest didn't cover. Lena paused in horror. With perfect timing Kara crashed through. Alex lay in a pool of her own blood watching as the room around her faded to black.


	2. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place right after Alex has been shot. This chapter dives more into Alex life with Kate and Jessie. Maggie is also mentioned more in this chapter, but will not make a physical appearance for another few chapters. I would like to thank everyone for your kind words encouraging me to continue with my story. I would also love it if you would continue giving me feedback.
> 
> Please enjoy

Alex woke to the dull beeping of a heart monitor. She opened her eyes and was blinded by daylight. She was alone, in a bed, in the DEO med bay. Then suddenly past events came flooding into her mind. One, she had been shot in a desperate attempt to save Lena Luthor. 

Two, Kate had died in her arms from a gruesome gunshot wound to the neck. Alex had only been able to watch as the light drained from her incredibly blue eyes. 

Three, Lilian Luthor managed to get under her skin, planting seeds of doubt. Four, despite all of the death and pain caused Lilian and Cadmus still got away unscathed.

Alex hissed in pain as she adjusted her shoulder. Her arm was in a sling and she had four stitches in her forehead. She continued scanning down her body for further injuries. She seemed relatively unharmed until she reached her lower back. A dull ache radiated throughout her back and Alex could feel the presence of a bandage. 

Her breath hitched as she moved downward and towards her legs. The problem was that she wasn't sure her legs were even there. All sensation in her body stopped at her hips. Alex threw off the blanket looking down at her limp legs, which had been working fine the previous day.

Her breathing became rapid and her heart rate began to spike. She couldn’t seem to catch her breath, it felt like the walls were closing in around her. She willed her legs to move but they stayed painfully in place. The monitor began to beep as she began to hyperventilate. DEO doctors rushed into the room followed closely by Kara. 

“I-II-I can’t feel my legs,” Alex managed to stutter through rapid breaths.  
“Agent Danvers, I need you to calm down and take deep breaths,” Doctor Carter said, lifting an oxygen mask to Alex's face.  
“I can’t feel my legs,” Alex cried, pushing the mask away.

Alex couldn’t think or breathe. It felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest and crushing her lungs. People in the room around her were speaking, but Alex didn’t hear a word. Doctors rushed around the room. Kara tried her best to calm Alex down, speaking softly and stroking her arm. It was like everything around Alex was moving in slow motion. She could see people moving and talking, but she felt as though she was a spectator watching her life from above. Her thoughts became clouded.

Her vision began to blur as she pulled at the wires and tubes connecting her to machines. She hastily tried to get out of the bed. Eventually she felt the gentle prick of a needle and the world around her faded to black once again.

The next time Alex woke she wasn’t alone. The faces of her concerned family members were scattered throughout the small room. Eliza had even flown in from Midvale and was sleeping uncomfortably in a chair . Kara was visibly pacing around the room, still dressed in her super suit. Even J’onn stepped away from his directorial duties and sat quietly by her bedside. Jessie on the other hand was huddled in tightly into Alex’s side with his head resting on her chest. The sun had set and Alex could see the moon from the window. 

“Alex, you're awake!” Kara exclaimed running over to her bedside.  
“Yeah,” Alex replied, pushing herself up slightly to avoid waking Jessie. “How long have I been out?”  
“Nearly two days,” Kara answered, “the doctors were keeping you sedated.”  
“Oh,” Alex breathed heavily. “And my legs?”

Kara's face dropped into a frown. The room was dead silent for a moment. Kara sadly shook her head.

“Umm,” Kara sputtered. “Doctor Carter said that the bullets caused significant damage to your spinal cord and it is highly likely that you won't regain function in your legs ”.  
“Oh,” Alex managed to spit out. 

Alex was a highly trained government agent . It was simple, that's who she was. She was always the person who threw caution to the wind, and chased after the bad guys with no regard for the consequences. She was the person who leaps tall buildings, makes the hard choices and goes the extra mile to protect everyone. 

When Jessie was born she learned to have more regard for her actions, but it would never change who she was deep down. She was a protector. Her selflessness and compassion was baked into her very core. Her whole life she had been protecting some one. 

First it was Kara and then the people of National City and the it was Jessie. Who was she if she was no longer able to jump the building and stop the bad guy? She relied on her legs to be who she is. What would her life be without them? 

“Alex say something,” Kara said.  
“You said it's likely I will not regain function. That means there is still a chance that I could walk again, right?” Alex asked  
“Alex,” Kara started.  
“No there’s a chance there has to be. I can’t just give up,” Alex declared.  
“Alex I know,” Kara said, stroking her hair. “but for right now you need to rest and heal. The doctor will tell you more in the morning. 

Alex didn’t sleep that night. She lay awake, holding tightly to her sleeping son. She thought about how he must have felt when Kara picked him up from school instead and took him here. She wondered how he felt watching his mother lay sedated in this bed attached to a hundred different wires. She thought about what his face would look like when morning came and she would have to break the news about Kate. 

Jessie loved Kate. He had known the small blonde woman since he was two years old. All of his life that he could remember included Kate. Kate was the overly optimistic woman who slept in the room down the hall. She was the woman who loved Star Wars probably more than he did. She was his prank partner and most of all she made his mom smile. Alex didn’t know if she had the heart to tell him. 

Alex’s train of thought then drifted to Kate. She and Kate met two and a half years ago under the very roof she was under now. Kate marched into the DEO with her head held high. She wasn’t just another wide eyed wannabe agent. Alex could see that she came with a purpose. Her confidence and stature was what caused Alex to notice her among the sea of new recruits. 

Kate was tough and she knew it. To Alex's thankful surprise Kate was placed under her command. Alex trained her in the art of being a DEO Agent. Alex found herself smiling more often when Kate was around. 

She often became distracted in training. She started chatting with her after classes and giving her extra one-on-one training time. Alex was truly hooked when it came to the agent with the long blonde hair and ocean blue eyes. They became friends. Having Kate around at group activities simply became a normal thing. On the last day of recruits training Kate took Alex’s face in her hands and kissed her. It was perfect. 

Alex then thought about what she was going to say to Kate's family. Kate's family were the sweetest people you would ever meet. How could she ruin their lives?. Kate was the only girl out of five kids. She was the spitting image of her mother, Charity, and had her father’s personality, or that’s at least what Alex had been told. Like Alex, Kate also lost her father at a young age and it was something they found themselves bonding over. 

Kate had four older brothers. Alex never had brothers, so Kate's brothers Danny, Eric, Parker and Sam adopted her into their pack. She attended picnics, family dinners and movie nights with them. How was she supposed to tell them that the youngest member of their pack was gone. In that moment, lost in thought, Alex let herself cry. She silently wept over lost love and broken families. She wept over the loss of the future she had once envisioned for herself. 

Then in the midst of silent tears her mind shifted again. Her mind produced an image of a face she hadn’t seen in five years. Her thoughts were of Maggie Sawyer. They hadn't even spoken since Maggie’s departure from the city but for some reason this is what her brain wanted her to see. It was a cruel joke that in a time where all she felt was broken, the universe conjured up an image of the woman she set free long ago. 

The woman whose dimples still haunted her dreams. The woman who Alex still loved despite their differences. Alex loved Kate with her whole being. She planned to marry her, but somewhere deep inside Maggie Sawyer laid roots in her heart that could not seem to die. It was cruel that in her time of sadness and despair she wanted to pick up the phone and call the dimpled detective. Alex wanted to hear Maggie’s sweet melodic tones tell her that it was going to be OK.

Alex continued to silently cry, not noticing when Jessie began to stir. When he woke he immediately noticed the tears running trails down her face. 

“Mama why are u crying?” Jessie asked sweetly, his brow furrowed in concern. 

Alex turned to face her son. 

“I just got some bad news, but I’m OK bean,” Alex said, wiping her tears and placing a hand on Jessie’s arm.  
“Is it about Kate?” Jessie asked “she didn’t pick me up from school”.  
“Jessie,” Alex started, taking a deep breath. “Do you remember when I told you that my job was dangerous and that sometimes good people die”.

Jessie nodded slowly, his hazel eyes filling with tears. He was a smart kid. He knew what words were coming next.

“Well Kate pushed another agent out of the way and got shot. The bullet hit an artery and she died bean. Kate's dead,” Alex explained, a solitary tear running down her cheek. 

Jessie did not respond with words, he simply wiped the tear from his mother’s face. He then climbed up onto Alex’s lap and wrapped his small arms around her neck. Alex relished in the warmth of her son, breathing in his smell.

They stayed like that until the sun was seeping through the cracks in the blinds. The world around them slowly came to life. Doctors and lab workers clocked in for their shifts. Agents on the night shift headed home, and Alex was stuck. The world around her was moving on and she was stuck.

Kara had snuck out to some super emergency in the early hours of the morning and j’onn and Eliza began to stir. Eliza sat up in the chair, stretching and letting out a yawn. She then stood up and started to walk towards the bathroom.

“Hey mom,” Alex whispered lightly to avoid waking Jessie.  
“Alexandra honey, thank god you're awake. How are you feeling?” Eliza asked, stroking her daughter's hair.  
“I’ve been better,” Alex responded roughly.  
“I’m so sorry honey,” Eliza said kindly, taking a seat next to her daughter.  
“I just wanna go home mom”.  
“I know,” Eliza replied.

After two long painful days in a private room in the DEO, Alex had somehow managed to convince Dr.Carter to send her home. Alex promised she would have plenty of people to support her during this “rough time”. Over her five day stay, the DEO doctors performed every test possible to find any function in her legs. So far they had come up with nothing. Her official diagnosis was paraplegia due to severe spinal cord injury. 

One bullet almost completely severed her spinal cord and lodged in. More damage to her spinal cord was sustained when they removed the bullet. If it stayed in it was likely she would have gone septic and died. The other bullet struck her lower back in the area of her kidney. Alex was leaving the DEO having lost two legs and one kidney. 

Kara held the back of the wheelchair as they walked through the halls of the DEO. Alex could feel the stares coming from agents burning into the back of her skull. She could hear the whispers of shock like a chorus of chattering monkeys. Jessie walked beside the chair holding tightly to his mother’s hand. He could sense that she was on edge, so he held on a little tighter and smiled at her softly. Jessie hadn’t left her side since Kara brought him to the DEO. Eliza offered to take him home, let him sleep in his own bed, but he refused to leave his mother’s side. When they reached the main lobby Alex was faced with Kate's memorial.

Her picture was already hung on the wall of fallen agents. A shining gold plaque reading Kathrine Bailey, 27 alpha squadron. The floor around the picture was littered with flowers and all of her favourite things. Alex held her breath as they wheeled by and all the agents in the room stared at her with pity. The news about Alex’s injury had spread through the DEO like wildfire. Every agent knew about the fall of Agent Danvers. Before, when she walked into a room, agents cowered in fear now they simply stared and whispered. It was like they were waiting for her to explode. 

When they arrived back at Alex's apartment she immediately got to work. She began with the hard part. After finding a box she began to pack away Kate's things. She wanted Kate's family to have her things, and Alex knew if she didn’t do it now she never would. Alex emptied all of Kate's clothes into a box, keeping only a select few items that she knew she couldn’t part with. Alex then wheeled herself to the other side of the room and began to pull pictures off the wall. Alex stopped to admire each photo before placing it in the box. There were photos of Kate in college, pictures of her with friends, group photos of them at game night. Alex held onto her favourite photo, which was of her Kate and Jessie at a star wars convention. 

Alex finished packing away all of Kate's things and was about to head to the kitchen when Jessie popped his head into the room. 

“Hi mama,” he said, entering the room with a large smile plastered on his face.  
“Hey bean,” Alex replied smiling weakly.  
“Auntie Kara wanted me to check on you. How are you feeling?” The young Danvers asked.  
“I’m alright. My shoulder is a bit sore, but it’s nothing I can’t handle,” Alex answered, wheeling herself over to her son.  
“I meant how are you really feeling, truth,” Jessie said using the same statement Alex often used when reprimanding him for bad behaviour.  
“Truth, I’m sad bean. I’m really sad,” Alex answered honestly.  
“Mama I miss Kate,” Jessie said, his eyes glistening. 

“I miss her too. I miss a lot of things actually,” Alex said, gesturing for the boy to sit in her lap.  
“You know what I like to do when I’m missing someone?” Alex asked.  
“No what?” Jessie replied.  
“I like to try and imagine what they might be doing. Why don’t we try it together? I’ll start,” Alex said.  
“I think that Kate made it to the city in the sky. And I think that she has been reunited with her father. I bet that she's telling him all about the beautiful life she lead. I believe that it's peaceful wherever she is and I think that she is happy,” Alex stated.

“Ok my turn,” Jessie said. “ I think that she got the biggest mansion in heaven. I think that she has a water park in her back yard and all the cotton candy you could eat. I also think that she found my pet goldfish in heaven and they are keeping each other company,” Jessie said all in one breath.  
“That sounds awesome bean,” Alex replied.  
“Do you think Kate is looking out for us mama?” Jessie asked after a beat of silence.  
“I know she is,” Alex replied 

They spent the next half hour creatively imagining how Kate was spending her time in the city in the sky. The sun was beginning to set and golden streams of light cast shadows throughout the room. Somewhere along the way Alex found her mind wandering to a certain detective. Where was she in life? Did she find happiness like Alex once had? Would she pick up the phone if Alex called?

“Hey mama,” Jessie said, breaking the silence.  
“Yeah bean,” Alex replied.

Jessie stared at Alex, his eyes filled with youth and wonder. 

“I think that we're going to be ok,” Jessie stated confidently, with a smile spread across his face.  
“I hope so,” Alex replied, believing wholeheartedly in her son’s act of willful optimism.


	3. hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'm sorry this chapter took so long to write. school has been keeping me busy. this chapter is also a shorter one, but I plan to have a long one out next week. I really like this chapter and I hope you will to. I also i very much appreciate your kind comments and kudos.
> 
> please enjoy

The next few weeks were a struggle, to say the least. Alex found the use of a wheelchair was not an easy adjustment. It was too clunky and hard to maneuver. On top of that everyone in Alex's life was walking on eggshells around her so as to not wake the demon they feared was asleep inside.

Eliza opted to stay in National City to support Alex through her difficult transition. Alex loved that her mother wanted to stay but frankly she was getting on her nerves. Eliza was everywhere, and Alex never got a moment to herself. It was like everyone around her thought she would crumble into dust if they weren't watching her 24/7.

Alex attempted to find normalcy in her new version of life. She still tucked Jessie into bed every night and woke him up bright and early. She wasn't planning on slowing down, being as despite what the doctors were saying, the chair was temporary. Alex Danvers would walk again no matter what it would take.

Alex found herself alone for the first time in since she was shot. Jessie was at school, Eliza was gone to the store and Kara was called away to a super emergency. Alex heaved a sigh of relief at the lack of people in her apartment. Alex rolled herself into the empty living room facing the large floor to ceiling windows.

It was a Wednesday morning and the city was alive. People rushed busily on the streets, racing to get to work on time. Cars sat idly in the busy city traffic. The sun shone brightly casting a brightness over the city. Alex found herself looking out this window quite often. It was how she settled her wandering mind. Alex’s mind was wondering quite a bit this morning.

Kate's eldest brother Danny stopped by to pick up Kate's things, and Alex couldn't seem to shake the image of his face when she handed him the box of his sister's possessions. The tall blonde looked destroyed. His eyes were red and puffy and had large dark circles from lack of sleep. He no longer radiated goofball energy. wordlessly her took the box from Alex, and just like that her second family was gone. 

Alex saw them at the funeral. Kate's mom charity seemed so small and frail compared to her four sons. Alex exchanged words with all four of her honorary brothers before tearfully turning to charity. She looked so much like Kate, it made Alex heart hurt.

“I’m sorry, I should have done better,” Alex said with a tear rolling down her cheek. 

“It wasn't your fault sweetheart,” Charity replied, pulling Alex into a tight hug.

“I was her commander, it was my job to keep her safe,” Alex sobbed into Charity's shoulder. 

“We both know that no matter how much you tried to keep Kate safe, she would always run into battle anyways. That's just who she was. It was no one's fault,” Charity stated looking directly in the eyes.

A soft knock at the door pulled Alex out of her trance. Alex wheeled herself away from the window and over to the door, cursing as she ran into the corner of the couch. She really hated the damn chair. Alex grabbed the door handle and opened it slowly. Lena Luthor was standing on the other side of the threshold.

“Hello,” Lena said stiffly.

“Hi,” alex replied with a puzzled look on her face.  
Alex hadn't seen Lena since she pushed her away from the bullets that left Alex paralyzed. 

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but Kara thought it best to give you some space,” Lena said, shifting uncomfortably.

“Kara needs to stop trying to run my life,” Alex said, a hint of disdain in her voice. “please come in.

Alex attempted to roll out of the way to allow Lena to enter the apartment, but ended up hitting a table and knocking over a vase of “sorry your legs don’t work flowers”. The vase hit the ground with a thud and shattered, sending shards of glass across the living room floor. Lena bent down to clean up the mess but Alex stopped her.

“Leave it,” she said roughly. “It will give my babysitters something to do when they get back. Anyhow have a seat”.

Lena gingerly stepped over the broken glass and into the living room. Alex wheeled closely behind her. Lena sat stiffly on the grey L shaped couch while Alex stayed perched by the doorway. 

“You said you wanted to talk?” Alex questioned breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“Yes, I've been wanting to thank you for saving my life,” Lena said fidgeting with her bracelet.

“It's all part of the job,” Alex replied. 

“I doubt that. The last time I checked jumping in front of bullets is not a job requirement,” Lena said chuckling slightly. “I think you did it because you are selfless to a nauseating degree”.

“I doubt that. I knew if you died Kara would never forgive herself for not being able to save you. Then she would blame me for putting you in harm's way,” Alex said, struggling to make eye contact. “So I pushed you out of the way in order to avoid the wrath of my sister”.

Alex was so sick of all the thank you’s and apologies, they weren’t going to get her legs back. She was also so tired of everyone thinking that her selflessness was a choice. When she was 14 years old an alien sister was brought into her home and from that moment on she had to accept her life always came second. Everyone else was always going to be her top priority. It was baked into her brain.

“Well no matter the intentions I still call that pretty damn selfless Alex. You willingly got shot in order to save me without knowing what consequences would come,” Lena said, meeting her green eyes with Alex’s hazel ones. 

Alex replied with silence, shifting her eyes away from Lena. Lena was right. Alex did blindly jump in front of a bullet to save someone else. Any person in the world would call that an act of selflessness, but not Alex. To Alex it was simply her doing what she had always done since Kara landed on earth. Protect her sister. Kara would have never been able to live with herself if Lena died, so Alex took the bullet to protect her little sister.

“Anyhow,” Lena started “I have something else I would like to talk to you about. I’ve been doing some tinkering in my spare time and I think I may have a way to help solve your problem.”

“Lena the doctors tried everything they could think of. There is no chance,” Alex said.

“Maybe for them, but they don’t have my technology or brain power at their disposal. But, I reached out to some people across worlds in Star City and they gave me some insight,” 

“Felicity?” Alex questioned

“Yes. If you remember she had an accident similar to yours, and I figured their technology would be useful in coming up with this,” Lena said pulling something out of her large coat pocket 

Lena produced a case and popped the lid open revealing a small cylindrical object. Alex could tell by the look of the device it was a bio stimulant of some sort. 

“This device is an implant that uses live cells to replace the damaged part of your spinal cord. Obviously this device is different from Felicity’s because some of their technology simply Doesn’t exist on this earth, but I used their blueprint and engineered a device that I believe will work,” Lena said confidently.

“When do we start?” Alex asked

“We can start as early as tomorrow, and begin cell extraction,” Lena replied. “But Alex before you make any decisions I have to warn you that there are many risks to this procedure. I saw your scans and truthfully your spinal cord is a mess. You have extensive scar tissue and an attempt to implant the device may cause more damage. There is also a possibility for major infections with the insertion of a foreign body. It is also quite possible that your body will reject the device.”

“Lena I want my legs back, I will take a chance with the risks,” Alex replied.

“I know that your legs are your livelihood, but I strongly Urge you to take a few days and think about your options. Think about your son. I’m pretty sure he would much rather have a paralyzed mother over a dead one,” Lena said standing up and smoothing out her skirt.

“Take a few days, I will be in touch,” Lena said as she walked out of the living room and out the front door.

Alex was stunned. She never had a problem making the hard choices, but this one was different. She had the option to potentially get her legs back, but the process may not work or worse it could kill her. On the other her hand she was being faced with a life where she was restricted to a chair.

Even with the doctors proposed physical therapy and restorative procedures Alex would never leave the chair. Alex would never run, or ride her motorcycle, or surf again. She would not be able to climb with Jessie to the top of her favourite cliffs in Midvale to show him the stars.

She would never work alongside Kara and J’onn ever again. She would never feel the comforting sensation of the cold concrete floor of the training room on her bare feet. There were so many experiences she would never get to have if she was confined to a chair. 

Lena was giving her a way to try and get all those experiences back. she would be insane to not take the chance, but then she thought about what Lena said. If Alex were to get an infection, she would likely die, leaving her son alone. Alex had a choice. She could be selfish and risk it all to get back her perfect version of life or she could learn to live her new life and still be around for the people she loves. 

Alex cared so much for the people around her and she would never put them in a position where they might lose her. But this time Alex so badly wanted to be selfish. For once in her life she wanted to throw away her personal rule book and think about herself. Yes it was risky, but the implant was her only shot at having the life she envisioned for herself.

Alex knew what Kara and Eliza would say. They would tell her not to take the risk, and that she could have a perfect life in the chair. But they weren’t living in her body. J’onn would tell her he supported her decision, but he would not agree with it. There was only one person Alex could think of that wouldn’t tell her to think about everyone else.

Maggie Sawyer had been on her mind since the accident. Maggie had been a prominent lead in many of Alex’s dreams over the weeks following the shooting. Truthfully Alex didn’t know why. Maggie left five years prior and never looked back. Alex didn’t blame her for leaving. It would have been impossible to see each other at crime scenes, the dive bar and around the city. Alex didn’t blame her for getting away, but for some reason Alex couldn’t stop thinking about her.

She knew what Maggie would say in her moment of need. Maggie would look at her with her chocolate brown eyes, flash her a glimpse of her gorgeous smile and tell her to do what is best for her. She would remind Alex that she does everything for everyone else and it’s her turn to make a choice that benefits her. 

Alex’s thoughts were interrupted once again by the opening of the front door. Kara and Jessie bounded in dressed in matching super t-shirts. Jessie quickly dropped his school bag on the floor and ran over to his mom.

“Mama look what aunt Kara got us,” Jessie squealed as she spun around his mother. 

“That's great bean,” Alex said, forcing a smile. 

“What happened here?” Kara asked, nudging a Piece of shattered glass.

The mood in the room shifted to ice cold.

“I bumped into the table and the vase fell,” Alex replied, not making eye contact. 

“Oh, well I’ll get the broom,” Kara said walking away from the mess. 

“Lena came by today,” Alex said looking out the window as she stoked Jessie’s hair.

“Oh,” Kara replied.

“She mentioned that you told her to stay away. Just in case I hated her or something,” Alex said roughly.

“Alex I never meant it like that. I just thought you might want space,” Kara replied.

“Well you need to stop thinking for me Kara. If I didn’t want her around I would have said something,” Alex said, raising her voice slightly. 

“Alex I get that you're struggling, but that doesn’t mean you have to be angry with me,” Kara answered firmly. 

“I’m not angry with Kara. I’m mad at the world. My girlfriend died, and I’m paralyzed and all people do is look at me like I’m gonna break in half,” Alex stated. “I just want a chance to breathe without someone watching me”.

“I’m sorry Alex, but we just want to make sure that you are ok,” Kara said, walking over to Alex.

“Look at me Kara. I’m not OK and I’m not going to be OK until my feet are on the ground again,” Alex stated.

“Alex the doctors went over this,” Kara started 

“No there’s a chance. Lena talked to your friends from star city, and she has an implant that she thinks could help,” Alex replied.

“Alex Lena showed me the blueprints. That device could kill you if your body rejects it,” Kara said calmly.

“You knew about it and didn’t tell me,” Alex said, her voice growing in volume. “Is that why you didn’t want Lena talking to me?”

“Come on Alex you're being irrational. I told you why I asked her to stay away,” Kara replied. “The device is dangerous Alex. Yes it is your best chance to walk, but it could kill you.”

“It’s my only chance to walk Kara. We both know that Dr.Carter’s treatment plan is bullshit. Lena is my only chance,” Alex said.

“What about us Alex? What happens if you get sick? What if you die?” Kara asked sincerely.

“Kara I know the risks, but I don’t want to live my life sitting down. I have the utmost respect for the people who are also in a situation like mine, and have adapted. But me Kara, I can’t live my life from a chair. There are so many things I still want to do, and whether or not you agree with me I’m getting the implant,” Alex said firmly.

“Fine, I’ll call Lena,” Kara sighed.


	4. chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To start I want to apologise for how long it has taken me to write this chapter. I've been quite busy lately and haven't had much time to write. Also this chapter is a little bit all over the place because i'm trying to wrap up this part if the story. Thank you all for interacting with this story and I hope you will continue to do so.
> 
> Please enjoy

Alex wandered aimlessly in the dark. She was standing dead centre on a busy Midvale highway, but there were no cars to be found. The lights in the town were all out, so her only light was the moon. She noted the sensation of her feet on the cold, solid asphalt. As she continued to wander aimlessly through the night she felt a beaconing from the sea. She always loved the sea. Her dad had gotten her on a surfboard when she was five, and Alex had loved the sea ever since. She loved it almost as much as she loved the stars, which shone more brightly than normal due to the lack of light. 

She continued to wander until she felt the familiar sensation of soft grains of sand on her bare feet. She heard the calming sound of waves crashing onto the shore. She was at her beach. The one she found with her father many years ago. It was secluded from the main beaches and enclosed by a rock ledge that was perfect for climbing. The moon reflected beautifully of the water and a light breeze blew the smell of sea water into her hair.

As Alex walked she saw moments in her life like pictures in a frame. She walked past tabelus of important moments in her life. Frozen in time was a young Alex holding a surfboard bigger than herself, smiling like no one was watching. Further down the beach was a campfire scene from high school. A crowd of teenagers sat around a blazing bonfire. Alex sat painfully close to Vicki Donahue, and laughed as she spilled beer down her shirt. 

Alex walked past frozen scenes of days spent with her family on the beach throughout her childhood. She then approached a memory she hadn’t thought of in a long time. It was her and Maggie. Maggie was dressed in a long flowing white dress and her hair waved beautifully down her back. Alex wore blue jeans and a loose white cotton button up. The two women in the still picture tightly held hands and Maggie's head and leaned on her shoulder.

They were watching the sunset over the water. Alex loved that memory. Closely next to that picture was another memory Alex was quite fond of. It was her and Kate laying closely on a blanket, staring at the sky. Alex remembered that they were looking for shapes in the clouds. Alex approached the end of the beach and saw a still image that she didn’t remember. It was of a woman sitting in a wheelchair staring out into the vast ocean.

The woman looked like her but that couldn’t be her memory. It never happened. The version of Alex had a stoic expression on her face, which was withered with age. Alex walked closer to the woman and suddenly her head turned. Alex found herself face to face with herself. The other Alex smiled absently before turning back to the water.

Suddenly a chill was cast over the beach and Alex began to feel uneasy. A shiver shot down her spine. Now the waves crashed harder onto the shore and the still pictures around her began to come to life. All of the memories swarmed around her mixing into one.

Moments and conversations flashed in her vision, but she kept her eyes trained on Alex at the end of the beach. She hadn’t moved. As her memories flooded around her all she could see was her. Stuck in time, on the beach of her life memories. Everything around her moved but she stood still. Stuck and restricted for the rest of time. 

Alex woke with a start covered in a cold sweat. She had been having strange dreams as of late. In everyone of the dreams she was in a familiar place surrounded by familiar things, yet each dream left her more terrorized than the one before. The dreams were never scary, but complex and confusing. They always had a hidden meaning that would leave Alex shaken throughout the day. Alex slowly sat up and wiped the sweat from her brow.

She shifted slightly sideways to check the time on her phone. The bright light stung her eyes as she saw the time. Five am. She carefully sild out of her bed and onto her wheelchair, which was waiting by her bedside. She silently thanked J’onn for the hours upon hours of strength training as she slowly lowered herself into the chair. She knew getting more sleep at this point would be impossible, so she silently rolled out of the room. Today was the day Alex would be assigned her fate. Lena successfully completed her cell extraction and her device had been mutating with Alex’s cells for two weeks.

It was important that the implantation was completed as soon as possible. Alex slowly rolled past Jessie's bedroom, where he and Kara were sleeping soundly. In the month and a half since the accident Kara barely left Alex's apartment. She would leave to attend to Supergirl matters and then back in the door before her absence was noticed. Kara had been trying her hardest to convince Alex that surgery was a bad idea. 

Alex wasn’t mad at her for worrying, but it was hard to have all of the people she trusted doubting her decision. Alex made her choice with full knowledge of the risks. Lena presented her with an option, that she made clear, might work. But it was a chance and that was all Alex could ask for.

Alex rolled herself into the kitchen and found a pot of tea already waiting warm on the stove. She stretched to grab a clean mug from the dish rack, before pouring herself a cup. She never really liked the taste of tea, but it helped to calm her mind. Once her cup was full she clumsily wheeled herself to the living room with her free hand. Eliza was waiting in the living room. Her blonde hair was tied into a top not and she was sporting a pair of comfortable pajamas.

She didn’t even notice when Alex entered the room. Alex noticed her mother looked worried as the light from the window lit up her face. You really wouldn’t be able to tell she was Alex’s mother by her looks. Her blonde hair and blue eyes barred no resemblance to her brunette daughter. Eliza turned when she heard Alex bump into the couch.

“Every damn time,” Alex muttered.

“Alexandra honey what are you doing up,” Eliza said, shifting to face her daughter.

“I could say the same for you mom,” Alex replied as she moved a little closer to her mother.

“I like looking at the city at night. You really do have a beautiful view here,” Eliza replied.

“That's why I picked it. Jessie liked the big windows,” Alex said, smiling slightly. “When we first came to see the apartment he toddled over to the windows and stayed there. He was fascinated by watching the birds fly by the window”.

“He’s a smart kid, I suppose he got that from you,” Eliza said.

“Well I got it from you. I think that may be the only thing,” Alex said, chuckling.

“I suppose that's true,” Eliza replied, “you have always been more like your father, and truthfully it worries me sometimes. Both of you have so much care for others you often forget to care for yourselves”.

“I just live my life the way I was taught to mom. I had to protect Kara and overtime more people have come into my life that need me. There's not often enough time left for myself,” Alex explained sadly, sipping her tea. 

“Oh Alexandra, i’m so sorry that you feel that way, but I want you to know that we will all be fine. You can retire from having to keep everyone safe and just think about yourself and that beautiful little boy who is asleep down the hall,” Eliza said lovingly.

“Mom is this you trying to convince me that my paralysis is not as bad as it seems and that I shouldn’t have the surgery?” Alex questioned

“Alex we both know how I feel about you having that surgery. I know Lena is brilliant, but I don’t see how it can be worth the risk. Anyhow, that is not what I meant. I just want you to know that over the years you’ve done an incredible job keeping everyone else safe and it's ok to care for yourself now,” Eliza shared, her eyes glassy .

“Thanks mom,” Alex answered, her eyes also glassy. “And I want you to know I did not take the choice about this operation lightly . Lena has gone over it with me a hundred times. I know the risks and possible bad outcomes. I know it’s not a guaranteed fix. I don’t have false hope, but I know it can give me a chance and that's all I need. There are so many things I still want to do, and i’m not ready to give up on them yet,” Alex retorted 

“My dear Alexandra when did you get so wise,” Eliza questioned as she lent down to kiss Alex on the forehead. “I’m going to go back to bed, we have a big day ahead. I love you Alex”.

“I love you too mom,” Alex quietly replied before she watched her mother disappear down the hall.

By eight am the apartment had come to life. Kara hurried around the kitchen as she prepared breakfast. Eliza took to making all of the beds in the apartment, and Jessie was taking his time, slowly picking out his outfit for the day. Alex had butterflies in her stomach.

She would be heading back to the DEO for the first time since her release from the hospital wing. Alex wanted the best team possible performing the implantation, so she opted for her own team to do it. She and Dr.Carter worked on many agents’ injuries together. Alex had full faith in her abilities, it was going back to the DEO that had her stomach in knots. Alex saw how the agents, who once feared her, looked at her as she rolled out through the main lobby. How would they look at her when she rolled back in?

Alex sat alone in her room packing her bag. She shoved all the essentials into the bag before pulling a small shoe box from her bedside table. The box contained pictures and important items from throughout Alex's life. Due to the long expected recovery time Alex didn’t know when she would be home again, so she shoved the box of memories into her backpack. She sat in silence for a moment thinking of the people she wished were here with her now.

First, she wished her father was here. What Lilian told her was true. On the same fateful day that took her legs, a bullet sealed Jeremiah's fate. Because of the dark no one could say who’s bullet killed him, but Alex knew. She killed her own father and no one knew, or maybe they did and no one had the courage to say anything. It was just something else she would carry with her forever. Jeremiah left her life long ago and her life wouldn’t be any different without him. Still she wished that he was there to hold her hand, not judge her choices and tell her it would all be OK.

Second, she wished for Kate’s optimistic smile to light up the room. She would bring her flowers and kind words to help her get through. Alex was never an optimist, but having Kate around helped her begin to see the world with a brighter view. It sure as hell would have helped to have her positive presence to reassure her. 

Third, for some cruel reason she wished for Maggie and her fierce confidence. Alex wished that she would barge into the room, look Alex in the eyes and tell her to toughen up. She would smile with full dimples on display and assure Alex that this surgery was nothing. Maggie would remind her that she is a badass and can handle anything. 

Alex had been thinking about Maggie way too much lately. It felt wrong, like she was cheating on Kate. She hadn’t seen Maggie in six years but for some reason Alex couldn’t shake her from her thoughts. Alex was torn between the love of two women, one that was dead and one she hadn’t seen in in years. The universe really has a sense of humor.

Alex zipped the bag, threw it over the back of her chair and headed to the kitchen. Everyone was waiting for her when she arrived. Jessie and Kara sat at the large oak dining table, shoving pancakes into their faces. Eliza scrambled around the kitchen placing all the dirty dishes on the dish rack. J’onn and Lena sat stiffly across the room.

All heads turned to face Alex when they heard her enter. 

“You ready?” Kara asked, smiling brightly.  
“As ready as i’ll ever be,” Alex replied with a soft chuckle. 

Alex rolled over to the table, ripping off a piece of Jessie’s pancake and popping it in her mouth. 

“Well guys we should get going. There is still a lot of prep that Alex has to go through,” Lena stated as she slowly stood up. 

“Alright, on we go,” Kara replied, smiling a little too brightly at Lena. Seriously when were they going to figure themselves out?

Going back to the DEO after a month and a half felt like coming home. She confidently rolled herself through the large glass doors. She passed Daniel and Patty at the front desk, who nodded politely, and then she proceeded to the elevator. She played with the world’s best mom key chain on her backpack as she waited for the doors to open. When she made it to the second floor she was greeted by a group of her past trainees.

“Agent Danvers long time no see,” Agent Rikert announced as he strolled down the hall. “How have you been?”

“Well truthfully i’ve been better, but I think my luck may change today,” Alex affirmed, with a smile that for the first time in forever wasn’t fake.

“All of us agents are rooting for you Alex. I’m sure you will be back to kicking our asses in no time, and trust me we need it,” Agent Rikert grinned.

“Thank you Liam,” Alex replied genuinely, as she began to roll away. 

As she moved through the intricate hallways she stopped to conversate with a few more agents. Members of her squandrent had even given her a good luck grenade as per tradition between agents. Whenever an agent has something important coming up in their life they are given the grenade as a token of luck and good fortune . The last time Alex had it was during the days before her wedding. 

Perhaps it wasn’t that lucky after all, seeing how that turned out. Alex may have been a boss around the DEO but she still saw her agents as equal and she was glad they felt the same way. All the people under the DEO roof were her family and it warmed Alex’s heart to know they were thinking about her. Agents greeted her in the hallway with welcome smiles and nods. It was definitely not how she imagined it would be like. 

Alex was placed back in the same private room as before. She didn’t overly like the room, it held to many memories of waking up broken, but at least it protected her from prying eyes. Much of her family and friends had disappeared to attend to various duties around the DEO, so Alex was left alone with Jessie.

Jessie demanded to be by his mothers side despite Alex assurances that everything would be fine and that he should go to school. After hours of debate they came to a compromise. Jessie could stay until the doctors came in and then Eliza would take him to the park. Alex didn’t want him seeing all the wires, tubes and needles. Jessie climbed into the bed and cuddled into Alex's chest. His small body fit perfectly with her’s. It was as though he was made to fit there.

“Mama are you sacred?” Jessie questioned

“No I’m not scared bean, maybe a little nervous, but not scared,” Alex answered as she ran her fingers through her son's curly auburn locks.

“Mama promise you’ll wake up,” Jessie declared, his hazel eyes burning holes in Alex’s heart.

“Oh bean,” Alex sighed “of course I’m gonna wake up. Why would you ever think I wouldn’t?”

“I heard you talking to aunt Kara and grandma. They said that surgery is dangerous and the last time you did something that was dangerous, I thought you were gonna die and it was terrifying,” Jessie sniffed, his eyes welling with tears. 

“Jessie I’m sorry I scared you baby, but mama is not gonna die,” Alex assured, as she looked at her son with intense love. “The people performing the operation are brilliant and Lena is brilliant and I’m gonna be ok. Hopefully when this is all over I’ll be able to take you all all the adventures we talked about ”.

“You promise mama, because I can’t lose you,” Jessie stated a stray tear rolling down his cheek.

“I swear on the moon and stars. Mama has cheated death way too many times to go out like this,” Alex replied, wiping the tear from Jessie’s face and offering an assuring smile. 

“I love you mama,” Jessie voiced 

“I love you to bean, more than anything,” Alex expressed, kissing his forehead.

After an hour of waiting doctors and nurses moved throughout the room. Alex was poked and prodded like a pin cushion. Dr.Carter drew blood and placed an IV in Alex’s arm. Alex cringed at the sight. She was extremely tough, but Alex always had a fear of needles. Jessie and Eliza left as soon as the doctors arrived, leaving Alex with kisses and prayers. Kara and J’onn were hovering outside the door not knowing whether or not to come in. Lena was busying herself in a state of the art DEO lab, making sure the device was ready.

Dr.Carter performed several tests. Taking her temperature, blood pressure and inserting all the necessary needles wires and tubes. Alex stomach was doing summersaults. She thought back to the conversation she had with Jessie. 

The look on his face was heartbreaking when he made her promise she would wake up. Alex never really thought in depth about how her injuries affected the little boy. He never voiced his fears and was always free spirited. It wasn’t until he looked her in the eyes and asked her not to die that she knew how much weight was truly on his shoulders. 

The Doctors finished their tests and then left the room for final preparations. J’onn slowly entered the room, taking a seat next to alex.

“Hey,” J’onn said softly

“Hey boss man. Long time no see,” Alex chuckled

“Yes it has been a while hasn’t it. We’ve been busy around here, dealing with the fallout from your last op. This place doesn’t run nearly as well with our you,” 

“Thank you sir and if all goes well I will be back by your side in no time,” Alex answered confidently. “Hey I was never briefed after the Cadmus raid. Did the aliens make it out ok?”

“Yes they are all doing well. Many of them are in a protection program while Winn works to find their families, but we have managed to find the families of a few. As it turns out the young girl you saved belongs to the Infernian you and Maggie encountered quite some time ago,” J’onn informed, while fiddling with his watch band

“Yeah I remember. It was the first time Maggie and I worked together,” Alex smiled, thinking of the memory. “How are the other agents?”

“They all made it out alright. There were a few bullet wounds, but thankfully everyone lived,” J’onn answered.

“Except Kate,” 

“Yes. Alex I don’t think I ever got the chance to express how sorry I am for your loss. Kathrine was an incredible agent,” J’onn sighed, his browneyes trained lovingly on Alex. 

“Thanks J’onn.” 

“How are you feeling about today?” J’onn asked kindly.

“I’m nervous. I can’t help but think about what happens if this doesn't work. It's my only chance and everyone knows it,” Alex said.

“Alex,” J’onn stated in his strong fatherly voice. “You are the toughest person i’ve ever met. You are the person who gets up, no matter how many hits you take or how hurt you are, and keeps fighting. This is the same thing. You will keep fighting, I know it,” J’onn confidently stated.

“Thanks J’onn, but my lifestyle depends on me being able to walk and run and fight. I can’t keep fighting if i’m confined to the restraints of a chair,” Alex replied, a hint of hidden anger rising in her voice.

“Oh Alex you underestimate yourself. Just because your body may no longer allow you to fight, doesn't mean you are no longer a fighter. When you can’t fight with your body, fight with your mind, and you Alex have a beautiful mind . It is often forgotten that not only are you a decorated agent, but also a brilliant scientist. Your mind is what makes you so skilled,” J’onn remarked, with fatherly pride.

“J’onn I know you want to convince me that I can do just as much good from the safety of a lab as I can do in the field, but it’s not true. I haven’t really been a scientist since you plucked me from a jail cell. My brain just isn’t what it once was,” Alex answered sadly.

“You and I both know that’s not true,” J’onn said softly, placing his hand on Alex’s arm. “Think about every time you fight. Your moves are calculated, precise some may even say scientific”. 

“Yes from years of intense training, practice and building muscle memory,” Alex retorted. 

“No it’s because you are a thinker. I’ve fought with you Alex. You predict five moves ahead. I see how the gears turn on your mind. When you fight you think in angles and equations for maximum force and impact. As well as using your technique and training. It’s what makes you so good,” J’onn boasted.

“Ok so you just explained all the reasons why I need to get my legs back. Like you said my mind is wired to fight,” Alex replied roughly.

“Yes Alex, but I believe it is wired for so much more,” J’onn said lovingly. “But getting to the point of this long winded conversation. I know that you believe if this operation doesn't work that you can no longer be Agent Danvers, but I want you to know. t just in case there is a state of the art laboratory and in house directorial duties waiting for you, should you need it”.

“Thank you J’onn, really, but I’m planning on not needing it,” Alex answered confidently. 

“Good luck Alex and i really do hope this works. This place needs you,” J’onn said as he placed a kiss on Alex’s forehead and quietly exited the room.

Alex was swiftly transported to the operating room. She lay on the cold operating table staring up at the lights. She could hear the soft beeping of her heart on the monitor and agents chattering in the watch box. Everyone wanted a seat to watch the surgery that would make or break Alex Danvers. Kara followed Alex in and gave her a quick but loving goodbye. Alex knew that Kara didn’t like the sight of Alex on the table, which is why she made haste to the exit. Lena entered the room holding a file. She slowly sauntered over to Alex. 

“Hey if it’s not the genius herself,” Alex joked as Lena approached.

“I see you're in good spirits today Agent Danvers,” Lena said with the utmost professionalism.

“Yup!” Said smiling through the terror she was feeling inside.

“Alright last chance Alex. Are you sure you want to proceed with this experimental and potentially dangerous procedure?” Lena questioned

“Yes I’m positive,” Alex answered firmly.

“Well then good luck. I will see you in a while,” Lena said turning on her heel and beginning to walk away.

“Hey Lena,” Alex called out, “thank you”.

“Thank me when you're back on your feet busting balls again,” Lena said with a kind smile that was not often seen.

The doctors made final preparations while Alex stared into space. She wished she could see the sky. The sky always helped to calm her wandering mind. Alex was obsessing over the thing she had done prior to entering the OR. She had done a very stupid thing that is only done when a person is drunk or desperate and most cases both. As far as Alex knew she was neither so, why had she picked up her phone, scrolled to the bottom of her contacts and typed the following message to Maggie Sawyer.

Hey Maggie, it’s Alex. I’m not sure that this is your number anymore, but if it is how are you? I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I recently sustained an injury that has left me with plenty of time to think. I’m sure you are busy doing important things and you don’t want to be hearing from the woman who threw you away a long time ago.. I’m sure that you have moved on from hard feelings, but still hearing from an ex is never pleasant.

It’s just in the wake of my injuries and the loss of a loved one you, Maggie Sawyer have crept back into my mind. And before you start to worry Kara, J’onn, Winn and mom are fine. I’m sorry if this message wastes your time, but I have something I want to share. I’m currently moments away from going into a surgery that will hopefully give me my life back. The downside is that there is a chance it could kill me, and for some reason knowing that fact made me want to contact you. I don’t wish for you to respond or care. I’m sure you have moved on in life, but I just wanted you to know. I hope all is well.

Alex wrote the message with the intention of getting the thoughts off of her chest. She never planned to send it, but her finger hit the arrow and just like that Maggie Sawyer was once again a part of her life. Alex didn’t think she would read it or respond. She didn't want her to, but the message was now out there. 

Alex began to feel drowsy as drugs were injected into the tubes in her arm. Surgical instruments clambered on metal trays and doctors chattered. Dr. Carter made her way over to Alex. She was fully scrubbed and her long red hair was tied under a blue and white scrub cap. 

“It’s time to take a nap, Agent Danvers. Are you ready?,” Dr. Carter said her emerald green eyes sparkling under the surgical lamps.

“Yeah I’m ready, but before we start I need you to promise me you won’t let me die. I swore to Jessie on the moon and stars that I wouldn’t die and you know those items are pretty hard to replace,” Alex said, half joking. 

“Alex, I'm a very good surgeon. No, I'm an Incredible surgeon. If I thought you were going to die you would not be on my table. So, I want you to close your eyes, take a quick nap and dream about all the adventures you are going to take that little boy on when you walk again,” Dr.carter said with a warm and assuring smile.

Alex nodded and smiled softly. She felt one last push of liquid in her I V tube and the world slowly grew fuzzy. Her eyelids became heavy and she drifted off to sleep.


End file.
